Sometimes you get an idea that’s beyond your own comprehension. Some people call it “divine inspiration” and I guess maybe God likes to point a finger at our tiny brains sometimes and shoot something so perfect into our neurons so that we remember our puny place in this big ol’ universe. Is that what happened here? I’ll let the history books decide that. All’s I can say is it hit me like a space-junk meteorite and nothing was ever the same again.
First off, Santa was generous to me this year, and I found not one, but two heavenly delights under the tree on Christmas morning: a box of Kelce Mix and a bag of Chamallows.
Now most of you don’t have to ask, but for the benefit of the ignorant, these two products represent the pinnacle of ultra-processed foods. Chamallows are a stroke of genius from Haribo and are best described as the bastard offspring from a one-night stand between a bag of gummy bears and a sack of marshmallows.
Kelce Mix is the brainchild of General Mills and the Kelce brothers (famous for more reasons than an average man such as myself can possibly enumerate). Apparently the brothers, after years of trial and error, arrived at the perfect mashup of breakfast cereals: a combination of Lucky Charms, Reese’s Puffs, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The stuff comes with an ingredient list that barely fits on the side of a cereal box. Who knew that rosemary oil was a common ingredient in breakfast cereal?
Eating Kelce Mix is akin to chewing the three-course-dinner gum that turns Violet Beauregarde into a blueberry in Charley and the Chocolate Factory. As your taste buds process a symphony of contrasting flavors — first cinnamon, then peanut butter, and then whatever that Lucky Charms flavor is — you begin to feel both elation and terror coursing through your veins.
Well, here I am, gazing at this Christmas bonanza in a state of bliss, when it occurred to me…when I felt God’s very finger poking my brain…that if I combine these two magical treats that it might result in something holy and transcendent. I mean, there’s no denying that there’s some strange alchemy that occurs in a Rice Krispy Treat — could it be possible to apply those same principles to Kelce Mix and Chamallows?
As some twit once said in a Crypto commercial, “Fortune favors the brave.” Now, I may not have the most marbles in the sac, folks, but I do have an impressionable son and I thought to myself, what kind of a role model would I be if I shrank from this quest?
Here follows the rough recipe, for who are we to pin down what’s transmitted from another plane, a higher dimension? Besides, we were so addled from the sugar overload, I’m not sure my neural circuits could have properly stored the details. If you need more direction, I suggest starting with the actual recipe for Rice Krispies Treats.
First, open the Chamallows…
Sample a few, then, when the ringing in your ears stops, add the rest to a nonstick pan with half a stick of butter over low heat.
Next, melt ’em
Gradually increase heat until the Chamallows begin to melt. Stir with a spatula. If you’re doing this as a bonding experience with your kids, give them spatula duty and go crack a beer. Worst that can happen is third-degree burns from the marshmallow napalm.
Now add some Kelce Mix
Stir a couple of cups of Kelce Mix into the melted Chamallows until the cereal is well coated, then pour the mixture onto a baking pan lined with wax paper. If you passed Home Ec in junior high, this should be in your wheelhouse.
Cool it now (don’t lose control)
Refrigerate, then cut your Kelce Mix Treats into squares.
Eat it! (Optional)
Consult your doctor first. Seriously. Maybe talk to a therapist. This is probably what angels stack their plates with at the heavenly buffet. Mortal teeth and colons are a bit more, um, unaccustomed to such delights.
In the end, me and Dick Jr. proved it could be done. We have soared toward heaven on wings of marshmallow and ultra-processed grains. I’m not saying I’m proud of it. I’m not saying you should do it. But did we down a whole plateful of Kelce Mix Chamallow Treats? I’ll bet ya a month’s supply of insulin we did.
